As the years go by, slowly, just when I think I've see the worst that family can do to each other…I see yet another disgraceful act of unkindness…

I saw him roll into ICU, attached to a ventilator, with a chest tube draining blood, lines measuring his blood pressures, medications infusing intravenously, and a bag where blood had been infused during surgery. I couldn't help but think…who's blood???                                                                                                                                                              

It really didn't matter, as he needed it…and as soon as he was settled into ICU, the empty bag was taken down and he began to awaken, still with a tract tube in..helping him breathe…he made it through a double bypass. My mother held back her tears as she breathed with relief.

So, I began to wonder…Is blood really "thicker than water".. As the old saying goes?? Technically, yes…but metaphorically…NO.

How sad these simple minded, pathetic excuses for humans are. They are ignorant, lazy, disgusting and hopeless. 

To ignore your own father, a single dad that worked more than 50 hours a week to raise you, he gave YOU everything he could possibly give, yet…when he needed YOU most…as usual- YOU were not there.

YOU lay at home, drawing tax payer money as your salary, pretending to be "disabled" and ignoring a man who spent time in ICU, wondering if he was going to live, see his son again…time ticks slowly for someone longing to see their child who they love more than anything in this universe that we know exists…. YOU are an overweight, washed up, leech on society…. YOU are a poor excuse of a man, much less that of a father yourself…………. YOU are a 40 something redneck that continues to live with your in-law parents…pathetic…looser is such a cliche' yet so fitting for YOU.

Then, there's the sister/aunt/sister-in-law….I'm shocked at the lack of concern although I shouldn't be…time and time again…. disappointment. I had hope for the relationship of the 2 sisters…but that's done. I see no hope for these middle aged siblings and it's so sad. They will die strangers and probably unknowing of each others death. The miles that separate them are nothing in comparison to the heartache that separates them. So much time has passed….WASTED time…how sad….I have photos of sisters who use to laugh together, shop together, cook together, and just love to be together…wow, it seems like that never existed, again…so sad….growing up, a child loves her aunt and thinks she will be there for her family…a family- who stood by her during her darkest moments and deepest secrets….yet, she coldly ignores. I'm ashamed to call her "my aunt". She was so much in the eyes of a child, beautiful and loving…but now, she's NOTHING…I will always miss my "aunt"…however, it's hard to miss NOTHING.

The Uncle/brother/brother-in-law has always been a waste of sperm…someone who has never amounted to anything but a huge disappointment to his parents… so the fact that this "waste" did not respond is not only - not surprising but typical. She should not have wasted her effort to press the send button on that email. Another leech on society that is always wanting a handout…yet can't keep a job…..why am I wasting the time to blog about him???

I am reminded once again of just how lucky I am. I have those around me who care, and I'm so grateful.

I have observed- There are those who learn and grow with their minds and their hearts…..And then, there are those who remain stagnant as simple minded "folk" and seem to become toddlers as they age- depending on others, holding grudges, throwing temper tantrums and shifting the blame.

The irony that time forces us to take, some recognize….and some are just too stupid to recognize, too stupid to understand, too stupid to learn…and just plain too stupid.

Sadly, family as in "blood" means absolutely nothing…………. Family, as in "compassion" means everything. 

I rarely update my blog now, due to social networking…a blog has become a fading pastime. Myspace is now abandoned, Facebook has taken over, and Twitter is fast becoming the alert system for keeping up with everything faster than ever before. But, since I tend to think of my blog as my personal journal although public, I do from time to time make posts….however, I tend to keep them in draft form so that only I can see them, in the idea of thinking one day - I'll look back and amuse myself at my writings.

Today, I'm making my post public, not that I think anyone will actually see it. According to my stats- my site is hit mostly with "spambots" nowadays, nonetheless…I feel like writing.

In the new age of recession and healthcare debate, as life tends to go- new and ever-changing morals of Americans are at the for front of every news story, every coffee shop discussion, every morning drive talk radio show. 

I'm one of the few fellow Mississippians who actually believe the President is doing what is best for the public. I have faith in our new, young, radical, liberal leader, which is something foreign to hear in the south. I don't subscribe to the breeding haters that pretend not to be racist yet so often bring up the fact that President Obama is African American so he must be a liar and only wants to help black Americans. I listen to my fellow "southerners" who proclaim to be bible belt Christians as they bring morality down to levels only criminals could follow, and I'm stunned daily at the things I hear….ramblings of disputes blown so far out of proportion and dramatized beyond that of what reality TV has become.

It's no secret that the economy is struggling, it's no secret that Medicare will be bankrupt by 2017- just 8 years away, it's no secret that Medicaid is bankrupt in some other states and the ONLY reason it's not here is thanks to our state government's robbery of the "tobacco money", and it's no secret that Social Security- our nation's joke of a "retirement system" could be bankrupt within 20 years….way before my generation is to retire…..yet, it's my generation who continues to fund such worthle$$ systems without debate.

As I have made healthcare my career, I have seen ALL the angles of this debate, and I completely understand the reasoning for the bulletpoints within the Healthcare reform bill- 3200 America's Affordable Healthcare Choices Act of 2009. I have worked for hospitals, healthcare companies, wellness companies, government medicaid and medicare programs, and insurance companies including HMOs. I have done travel nursing in different parts of the US, and I've volunteered in the poorest parts of Mexico, places that make the Mississippi Delta look like a Donald Trump Tower. 

One thing is common place…..unhealthy lifestyle. That is the reason and forefront for ALL the argument. And, majority of Mississippians don't want to change. They want money there to pay for medications that they wouldn't need if they were not obese, money to pay rehab after a preventable stroke due to unhealthy eating, money to pay for ICU when someone has a preventable heart-attack, money to pay for ER visits from a preventable glycemic  or breathing episode, yet…..these are the same people who constantly complain of the welfare dollars that pay for the poor. These same people accuse the President of being a Socialist…yet they want the same treatment as those who do actually make better choices and lead healthier lives and want their social security check to clear every month even though, the ones paying their social security will never make the same deposit.

Sad thing…when most of the conditions that "drain" our healthcare system are those conditions that are the result of unhealthy lifestyle! It's not people with cancer, AIDS, or Type I diabetes that drain the money needed for healthcare. It's mostly those who are obese, eat garbage, smoke, and refuse to exercise. 

Is this morale? As a nation, we've decided that smoking should be banned in public areas. This is the result of a newly acquired moral. To smoke around others in public-forces those who are near to be at risk for the carcinogens that kill unsuspectingly.

So, I wonder as I listen to our Obese politicians, our Obese radio personalities, and look at our Obese governor whom I have personally heard say- He is not like Mike Huckabee and will not vow to loose weight to encourage Mississippians to loose weight while at the same time launching a Health and Wellness program for the state, …..is this moral??

We as a society have deemed that we should not have to pay for the complications that occur with smoking- hence we've banned smoking in public places in the hopes that there are less smoking related illness- and guess what? It has actually worked! I'll be damned, as my fellow southerners like to say…..less smoking around kids and non-smokers- boom! - less preventable respiratory illnesses for the system (that means us- the insurance payers, and taxpayers) pays for. Hmmm, what a "freakin" concept!

Therefore, I deem- that paying for unhealthy people is immoral!    

The crazy thing is….most of the people who are doing all the "bitchin" and complaining have not actually read the bill. Well, I read it. The entire thing…..and ironically, pretty much everything proposed- are things that we are already encouraging as a healthcare system and have been encouraging for decades. So much of it, is already being done as voluntary efforts on behalf of volunteer programs and/or health and wellness programs within employer groups, wellness companies, healthcare and insurance companies, case management groups, nursing organizations, diabetes organizations, heart disease programs and so on and so on….and as usual- it's the ones who refuse to make healthy lifestyle choices who "opt out" of these most often free programs……

Oh, the irony…..I do believe, I'll deem that as immoral as well!

I'm going to have as much plastic surgery as I want

I'm going to eat as many resse's peanut butter cups as I want

I'm going to dive into the artic wearing only a pair of goggles

I'm going to book a flight to the moon

I'm going to wear a different pair of shoes everyday

I'm going to see the world through the eye of a giant lens and document every escape

I'm going to follow my heart only I know where it beats

I'm going figure out what's really in my head…..

I'm going to stop growing up

Is it really all that much to ask for? To be "catwalk cool" with a spoonful of peanut butter? It seems that just when we are satisfied, we want more. More gadgets, more vacations, more clothes, more money, more time! There's never enough time! Time is my super uber duper cause of anxiety. Where did all the time go? and why is there never enough? 24 hours, I need at least 36. I was thinking of moving to Mars, but a day on Mars is only 35 minuets longer than an earth day! 

So, the past 3 or 4 months has been a vortex of spiraling events, I feel almost drunk as I relax for the first time in almost 6 weeks! All has been good, actually great, just really busy. Last night I put myself into a benadryl coma and dreamed of being locked into a state park, where I could not find my way out of a lake and people were stealing my honey nut cheerios. Crazy, I know- must have been the benedryl, but I slept about 13 hours and it was blissful to awake and feel refreshed. 

Since my blog is basically my diary, I always feel the need to post about things- that hopefully when I'm old, I can look back on and enjoy reliving in thoughts certain moments. I don't always publish my writings, in fact I have several that are only visible to me…I'll keep it that way for now. 

The Kids- AC and I have 2 very active puppies! Karma has decided that the pregnancy quest is on hold, funny how things work out, but now we've got Joon and Dita and they are making our lives very very interesting. Puppies have a way of making you fall in love with them, it's like one look, one cute little paw on the hand, one precious wag of the tail and we're hooked. So, we're getting a crash course on raising kids…puppy style! Every now and then, I feel guilty, because I still miss Roxie.

Nashville was actually beautiful. This is my new chapter. In the midst of yet another failed government contract of a job…I was offered a position that I couldn't refuse! And, off to Nashville I went, with AC and Joon- we had a great time, until I had to stay another week by myself. But, I'm back and I love my new job so far. It was a bit crazy with the other contract still valid, but I managed and that's all I can say about that. Out with the old, in with the new. Onward to more positives and more opportunity! I'm excited! Karma, always there helping me out, giving me choices and the paths to take, I deserve an "A" for paying attention.

Funny, how Nashville is the place of Dave Ramsey…I found a version of my fat free peanut butter in the Total Money Makeover! This makes sense to me…AC and I are getting financially fit! No fatty or greasy debt to "weigh" us down. Karma introduced me to Dave, in a New York Life kinda way, and Now, I finally understand why I had to go thru last summer to get to this summer! No regrets! Weird how things always work out. And, I've got a resume on life, experience, work and the pursuit of happiness. 

So, where's the Jimmy Choos? Still at Maison Weiss I'm sure. One day, I will actually buy a pair of Jimmy Choos, hey, it's something ridiculous to strive for. Yes, I dare to say it! Ridiculous, never ever did I think that I would consider Jimmy Choos ridiculous, but….yeah, there's just more important expensives….I said it and I'm still in shock.

Now, CONGRATS to Tate and Kelly!!!!!!!!! We had an awesome time!!  SO happy for "the Nations"! The wedding was so beautiful, there was no Elvis, but Eddie was close enough- good times!

G-Lynn signing out….

So, today I thought I would blog a little about life or after life or whatever, nonsense…

What lies ahead of all this? This that we call life.. Maybe it's my age, or all the recent deaths, maybe it's the pregnancy quest or the new puppy in our life…but for some reason I've been pondering those age old questions-  What is the meaning of Life??  Is there truly an afterlife??

I find myself fascinated more and more with variations on religion, spiritual "innerness", karma, energy, miracles, the universe, the unexplained…  I've been dreaming of people who have died and a baby that does not exist, does this mean something? Are my dead friends dropping in to say "hey", is that really our future child??

I swear, I've not been drinking, only thinking…maybe too much, maybe not enough, maybe I need more oxygen…

After listening to a friend explain issues with a religious ceremony, I'm convinced more and more that religion is just a bunch of mind control. No, I haven't turned my back on "God" (so to speak), but maybe the humanoid concept,  blah blah blah… But, I'm really starting to believe that our so-called "God" the almighty is more of an energy or force. I mean, really, why is it that each religion thinks they are the only way to the afterlife??? Why couldn't this whole "God" thing be the combination of many aspects of ALL the various religions or beliefs in something more powerful than us?? Am I really to believe that the "energy" that created everything that we know to be real would only provide a "path to the afterlife" for only a certain segment of the population?? Christians, Jews, Muslims, Budists?? And that all good and beautiful souls would perish in "hell" if they aren't a part of the "perfect" religion?? In my opinion, it is the organized government type religions that are truly evil…. why ?? because they are extremist in their "made up" rules and regulations of what they trust to be mind control and war, all in the name of religion… 

This is not a religious bashing post, I promise…contrary to how it reads, I honestly believe the Pope is ethical and righteous, I believe that HE believes he is doing for the "greater good". I believe Mother Teresa was a kind soul. But, I don't think all Catholics are honest. Catholicism….that's another discussion/debate all in it's self. I have family of the faith as in career choice and I certainly don't believe he is bogus…

The thing that really bothers me is- I grew up in the "bible belt"….But now, I don't see the Bible as something to "behold". I wish I could say I do, but instead- I understand it as a male shovinest piece of male prejudice! Yes, I believe the Bible to be Shovinestic! Men dominated, and women were submissive, what's that all about??!! Men with multiple wives?? I hate it and I refuse to believe I should live my life according to a male dominated piece of literary work! Nice going Moses and whoever contributed! Thanks to you, Christianity and Judaism remain only a piece of what i Knew and NOt what I will be! 

What I do think at this moment, and of course it could change- is that everything was created by something more incredible than I could possibly understand. I choose to believe in ghosts and spirits, I choose to believe in a powerful energy that only the elements of the universe can understand….maybe I should worship captain Kirk??!! Maybe I should become a witch??!! either way, I am happy to believe in EVERYTHING!!  My mind is open as in 24 hour convenience…Something I have always wanted to express…. scared to because of "southern baptist roots", my dad and other "religious" family would balk upon…..thanks to the "Gypsie" in me I remember what I remember about myself!

Gypsie's out….loving the earth and what made it! 

Thanks Captain Kirk for making the universe make sense!! 

To all the Animal lovers out there - let's help! 

Cara is a no kill animal shelter in Jackson. They really need donations. I went by there today and they are happy to get what they can. 300 dogs and 50 kitties may have to be put down if they don't get enough money to fund the shelter. 

go to http://carams.org/ to help.

It's 2am, I'm on my 4th screwdriver, watching VH1's "Best Week Ever", AC is on the next couch…asleep, sound…he looks like he's dreaming- you know when you see someone sleeping and their eyeballs are moving beneath the lids….and what comes on the tele immediately afterwards??….a Motley Crue video, no- it's not an 80's stripper, let's party oldie with AquaNet from the past, it's actually a new song..I think that Buckcherry guy is in it, it's hard to tell since I'm 4 vodka's down, not really interested as these guys are washed up, but Nikki still looks hot…I think…it could be the black and white film, maybe the eyeliner…anyways, it's late and I feel like writing….looming thoughts….

Where has the time gone? Wow, spring 2008…sprung up and bit me right on the a$$! I know I'm lucky…. So, recently I've been searching through "myspace" alumni's, people I've know in my past, from schools either I went to or knew some there, and damn- if I haven't found some blasts from the past.

I'm distracted…as some band just cropped upon VH1…"the kooks"?? I gotta watch em, the singer is totally Bob Dylan 40 years ago…  I can't believe VH1 is actually playing vids…at 2am, when did music stations stop playing videos during daylight hours?? was it the 90's?? yeah, I'm showing my age…VH1, no MTV- who watches that crap? Last I remember watching MTV…it was the 90's, Beverly Hills 90210 was still on- Donna Martin ruled…Grunge ruled, Marilyn Manson scared me, I thought that "Rico Suave" guy was hot!, I was in College eating mac and cheese because it was cheap, and eventually the cable had to go…poor, starving college student stuck watching "my so called life", "saved by the bell- the college years" and "melrose place" on prime time…oh the phases that life places us in, we drift from phase to phase across time, some consistencies remain throughout, some souls stay the same, many differ with stages and more phases… weird, how when I think back to high school…the most insignificant things seemed so important, oh the drama…and wham, I'm an adult!

Anyways, back to the past blasts of the present, back to the 80's, seems like a lifetime ago, but good to see them and converse, I'm relieved to see - no one kept an "80's do"! You've seen em'- those in walmart with the "poof ball bangs", mullets, wings and hair so stiff that it moves as 1 piece, how does one get stuck? Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of "big bar hair"- like Fergie's or Shakira's, Beyonce… point taken- here and now, not the 80's… only good for a laugh!

Spring, thank you it's spring. 80 degree days are here! I love it! Everything is new, and IRONICALLY- it's like I've been given the chance to relive 2007?!? except the gas situation…Strangely enough, I'm about to be laid off again! Yep, just like last year….This time it's different- I'm prepared! I've decided- NO MORE CONTRACT jobs for me- I don't care how good the intentions are…So, I've got some stability in the works, screw this recession! I'm ready!

Oh, and HA! April didn't get me!! For those who know me, know my April curse! and yep, she tried to screw me, screw with my life in everyway possible just as she does every year…but no April fool here, not this time, Yes- the beeotch surprised me with obstacles, that cost…but, whew! I got past them, easily for a nice change!

I could keep rambling with absolutely no sense or direction of thought pattern, but it's late and I should go to sleep, join my hubby in dreamland, I want my eyes to dance under the lids too…. 

What a journey ahead I'm predicting. Although, I've come to terms with the fact that my "woo dog" is gone, I still miss her, but I've found things to occupy my time and my thoughts. 

I'm finally starting to see a difference all this damn working out is doing. Endless hours on the treadmill, since Jan 2nd, and it's beginning to show- FINALLY!  So, if in the event, I become preggers- then I'll be in tip top shape, otherwise- hopefully, I'll be fit for summer- which I'm really looking forward to. AC and I have nothing to drag us down.

I've got some personal goals for myself this year and that keeps me motivated! I can say- I think Austin is sick of hearing Dave Ramsey's name, and listening to Suzy Orman on Saturday nights- but it will all "pay" off in the end, and I'm excited! 

Today, is a day of clarity for me…finally, a work at home day- where I can relax and think. I've learned SO much in the past year… really, the past 4 years. It's funny how, when we become older we appreciate the knowledge that life and experiences provide, more than an education, worth so much more than than my debt to Sallie Mae who I feel like sometimes has a room in our house. Why can't we start out smart? Why is our youth wasted in our stupid decisions? Live and learn…..

I think back and I remember when I was teenish- about 16, maybe 18 and I used to wonder what my life would be like in my 30s, looking forward to 30 something. Here I am, in my 30s and it's really more than I expected- these are the best years! except for the slower metabolism- that part sucks….

So, recently Austin and I were doing some Friday night Target shopping, and I ran smack into someone from my past. This is someone who I find purely disgusting. Normally, the thought of seeing this worthless piece of human parasite would ruin my entire weekend, but really…It made me laugh. Some things never change fit the profile, except the profile was much much heavier and had a double chin. Suddenly, I felt even better about myself and my whole world. I looked up at Austin and realized once again just how lucky I am! 

So, with the idea of looking forward to spring, Here's my "we're ready for anything pic!" 

I love this! Thanks Tate!!

Speaking of Tate, I just have to say- wow! Tate's Flicker has become a regular webstop for me. Each set is awesome.

Speaking of pics, Here we are at the Addys 08. This made my 5th Addys to attend. As usual, it was loads of fun, drinks and more drinks. 

I bought this dress last year, pre-boobs, so AC had to tape the girls so they would fit!

Now, I'm going to get on that damn treadmill!  

It's been over a week now….I'm just now able to put into words without sobbing that my loyal companion and best friend is gone.

It was last Saturday, Feb 9th at 4:45pm when she took her last breath, I held her in my arms, her face embraced by Austin's hands, we kissed her frail little head as she passed and we could see her spirit leave her eyes…. I'm crying now uncontrollably as I type. I miss her so much.

My worst nightmare happened, when last Saturday morning she awoke and nothing was out of the ordinary….until later that afternoon when I noticed she was in severe pain, we drove her quickly to the vet clinic…..I then became face to face with that dreaded decision….and then she was gone.  If someone would have told me last Saturday morning that she would be gone by the evening, I wouldn't have believed it.

For exactly 16 years she's been my constant in every aspect of my life and I just can't believe her beautiful soul is gone. I want so bad to hug her one more time. I have a void….I miss her…I miss so many things about her…I miss her presence, I miss her bark, I miss taking her for walks, I miss giving her those silly scooby snacks and making her do a "trick" for them, most of all- I miss coming home and having her here to greet me, happy to see me, wagging her tail. 

Roxie was more than I ever imagined a dog could or would be. She was so smart, smarter than most people I know…she loved me for 16 years unconditionally. She surprised me often with her ability to sense things. She cared for me in her own little way, whether it was just sitting beside me when I was upset and putting her little paw on my arm or keeping me company late at night as I studied my way through nursing school. She brought me so much joy and happiness. She was like a rock in my life, I grew to depend on her as much as she depended on me. She was my very BEST friend, always loyal, always faithful, always there, always strong. Over the years, as she grew older, she became more of a baby to me and Austin, but that was OK, I loved caring for her. I could never repay the care and love she gave me, she gave us…  She is etched into my heart and my memory forever. 

I miss you my little "woo" dog. 

I know my Dog is old. She is 16. She will be 17 later this year, if she lives that long. I get so tired of people giving me the "look". Like they know! For whatever reason some people think skinny = suffering. WRONG! I know this animal better than ANYBODY! She has been my constant companion for more than half of my life! 

I will NOT let her suffer. I will NOT let her live in pain. She still has quality of life left and that's all that matters!!!!!

LET ME REPEAT- THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Amazingly she still plays. She's still interested in playing fetch with her stuffed toys. She still greets me at the door when I first come home. She's still wagging her tail. She still "jumps" for a scooby snack. She still barks when Austin is play fighting with me. She still comforts me when I'm upset. Her mind is completely intact…… oh but no, she should be put down, right?

I KNOW she will not eat DOG food anymore. I don't care as long as she is still interested in eating something. For the first time in her life I give her whatever she wants. Today it is sliced deli turkey. Last week it was Wendy's crispy chicken sandwiches. No matter, she eats.

 
I know she is skinny! I see her everyday. If I hear anyone say -she should be "put down" because she is skinny then they are NOT my friends or family! They are just STUPID!

So, why do I feel the need to justify myself on public blog? Because I'm sick of the judgmental looks. People act as though I should Kill her just because she is skinny! and I'm sick of it. Like it's the humane thing to do within their moral minds. You don't live with my dog! You don't see her everyday! and YOU don't take care of her! For those who think I should Kill my dog- you can go strait to Hell! She's OLD people! She's OLD.  She is NOT suffering. She's NOT a "vegetable"! She is skinny and OLD.

I know, she may die tomorrow, or she may die next month, or I may have to make the decision. The decision of whether her life is not quality and determine the MOST APPROPRIATE action with the help of my veterinarian. Will I eventually have to "put her down"? Quite possibly, I know. And I know it could be soon, very soon. Either way, it is MY decision.  If anyone disagrees then screw you and get out of my life!